How to Spot the Toxic Friendship Hidden Red Flags
Friendships should lift you up, not leave you bruised. But toxic friendships aren’t always loud. Sometimes they’re subtle, borderline charming, until you realise the sting. If you’ve ever felt drained after a hangout or caught yourself deleting their texts unread, it might be time to face the toxicity. If you’re asking yourself “Am I in a toxic friendship?” chances are that you are.
Let’s dive into the less obvious signs of a toxic friendship so you can spot trouble before it becomes full-blown chaos,
Toxic Friendships Rewrite Your History
If you’ve never watched Emily in Paris, picture a love triangle set against croissants and couture. In Season 3, Camille, Emily’s friend-turned-rival, appears to forgive her for getting romantically tangled with Gabriel, Camille’s on-again-off-again boyfriend. She even makes a grand, public gesture: a mutual vow with Emily that neither of them will pursue him.
Sounds noble, right?
Plot twist : it’s anything but.
Behind the scenes, Camille secretly convinces Gabriel to sign a relationship clause stating he won’t be with Emily under any circumstances. Translation: she sets the rules of the game while pretending not to be playing.
This isn’t your average shady moment. It’s a textbook case of toxic friendship: presenting as gracious and evolved adult friends while pulling strings in the background. Camille doesn’t just protect her relationship; she cages it, then smiles like a saint.
That’s not forgiveness. It’s manipulation. And it’s a perfect pop culture case study in the subtle, slippery ways toxic friendships can disguise themselves as emotional maturity.
What it looks like IRL:
You share an idea or experience and weeks later, they act like it was theirs. Or tell you a different version of the night you both went out, painting you in a better or worse light. They know exactly how to manipulate a scenario to make you feel less than. This is 101 of toxic friendship red flags.
Your “Me Time” Feels Guilt-Ridden
If you’ve never watched The Office (US), here’s the quick write up on it: it’s a mockumentary-style sitcom set in a mid-tier paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania. It gave us iconic characters like Michael Scott (the world’s most inappropriate boss), Jim and Pam (the slow-burn romance blueprint), and Dwight Schrute- the intense, beet-farming, loyalty-obsessed assistant to the regional manager.
But while it’s mostly known for cringe comedy and quotable chaos, it also serves up a masterclass in one of the more insidious forms of toxic friendship: obsessive loyalty used as control.
Let’s talk about Dwight and Michael.
At first glance, Dwight seems like the dream bestie. He worships Michael, backs him up no matter how misguided the decision, and even goes so far as to frame coworkers, fake emergencies, or grovel for scraps of validation. Loyalty? Off the charts. Healthy? Not even close.
This is where the toxic friendship red flags start popping like popcorn. Because Dwight isn’t supporting Michael out of care, he’s doing it for control. He needs to be the centre of Michael’s attention. And the moment Michael shows interest in anyone else be it a new employee, a love interest, or even just his own growth, Dwight spirals. He pouts, plots revenge, or stages dramatic loyalty displays to win back dominance.
There’s even an episode where Dwight goes behind Michael’s back to steal his job… then tries to play it off like a grand act of sacrifice. Classic manipulative friend behaviour: stab you in the back and then offer you a bandage with tears in their eyes.
This kind of friendship is toxic because it thrives on guilt. You’re made to feel like you owe them emotional rent for every “nice thing” they do: even if it’s laced with expectation, jealousy, or one-upmanship.
In real life, it looks like this:
- The toxic friend who gets mad when you cancel plans… even if it’s for your mental health.
- The poisonous friend who says, “No worries!” but brings it up every time you hang out.
- The bad friend who frames everything they do as a sacrifice- just so you stay indebted.
And much like Dwight, these people don’t always realise they’re being manipulative. To them, it’s “love.” To you, it’s emotional blackmail.
So yes, The Office is hilarious. But it also nails a harsh truth: toxic friendships aren’t always loud, dramatic breakups. Sometimes, they’re dressed in mustard shirts and calling it loyalty.
Real life version: You cancel dinner because you’re exhausted. Reasonable, right? But your friend goes quiet. Maybe a passive-aggressive “ok :)” or a cryptic Instagram story follows. The next time you talk, you’re met with coldness or guilt-trippy comments like “Everyone’s just so busy these days…”
Suddenly, you’re the one over-explaining and apologising… for taking care of yourself. That’s not you being flaky. That’s them making your boundaries feel like betrayals. And that, dear reader, is a giant toxic friendship red flag.
Toxic Friendship: They Use Your Success as Low-Key Competition
In the world of Gossip Girl, no friendship was ever just friendship. And no duo nailed the art of smiling through sabotage better than Blair Waldorf and Serena van der Woodsen. They were rich, inseparable, and always perfectly dressed but beneath the designer labels and Upper East Side brunches was a rivalry so petty, it could’ve paid rent.
From Blair sabotaging Serena’s Yale interview to Serena stealing Blair’s thunder (and boyfriends) on more than one occasion, the two constantly teetered between ride-or-die loyalty and deep-rooted envy. Every compliment was loaded. Every apology was PR. And every hug had the energy of “I love you but I might still ruin your life.”
And the worst part? They rarely addressed the friendship toxicity. It was glamourised. Brushed off. Normalised.
Your life version?
You get promoted. You text your bestie. She replies,
“Amazing! I always said you’d peak early.”
Or, “Wow, you really got that? I thought they were hiring more… experienced people.”
Cue that fake smile emoji. Cue your gut drop.
This isn’t friendly teasing. This is weaponised insecurity -the kind that comes gift-wrapped in praise. These are the kinds of toxic friendships that look glittery on the outside but leave you drained, doubting, and dressing down your own wins so you don’t make them uncomfortable.
If your friendship feels like a competition dressed as connection, take it from Blair and Serena: it’s only cute on TV. IRL? It’s emotional erosion.
Their Drama Hijacks Your Day
In HBO’s Girls, Marnie Michaels is the poster child for the emotionally hijacking toxic friend. She’s stylish, articulate, and always has a problem bigger than yours. Even when someone else is hurting or celebrating, Marnie can’t resist shifting the spotlight.
Exhibit A: when Hannah gets accepted into the Iowa Writers’ Workshop, a life-changing opportunity, Marnie barely celebrates. Instead, she sulks about her music career, her situationship with Des, and whether she is being abandoned. That’s the thing with toxic friendships: your milestones become their emotional emergencies.
It’s not just bad timing it’s emotional sabotage.
What It Looks Like in Your Life
You get promoted. They immediately share how they were overlooked again.
You plan a birthday dinner. They show up late, cry about their ex, and need “a moment” -on your day.
This isn’t support. It’s a toxic friendship where your joy is always rationed, only allowed if it doesn’t outshine theirs. And if it does? Suddenly, you’re the selfish one.
Toxic Friendships: They Only Show Up When It’s About Them
In Euphoria, Cassie is the friend who vanishes when Maddy is falling apart but the minute she is in crisis (read: having a full-blown emotional affair with her bestie’s toxic ex), she expects round-the-clock attention. Her tears take centre stage, her choices need sympathy, and when the spotlight isn’t on her, she starts spiralling.
This isn’t friendship. It’s toxic friendship red flags.
In your real life, this looks eerily familiar:
- You post something vulnerable, and they don’t even react.
- You hit a milestone: job, wedding, book deal and they “like” it but don’t reach out.
- But when they need a cheerleader, therapist, or hype squad? You’re first on speed dial.
You feel… drained. Used. Like a support character in someone else’s personal reality show.
Reddit threads are littered with people recalling that post-friendship clarity : “I felt relief, like I could finally exhale.” If your gut says this friendship feels performative or conditional, you’re probably not wrong.
Toxic friendship red flag unlocked: If your friend only shows up for their story, not yours, you’re not a friend. You’re a plot device.
The “Good Friend” Mask… Until It Disappears
Toxic friendship isn’t always loud. Sometimes it arrives in pink, smells like designer perfume, and compliments your vintage boots, while plotting your emotional demise.
Take Regina George in Mean Girls. She’s your best friend on Wednesdays (when you wear pink). She calls you “gorgeous,” laughs at your jokes, tags you in selfies… and the next day, she’s telling Gretchen you can’t pull off hoop earrings. Regina doesn’t throw punches, she throws passive compliments and nuclear gossip- the definition of a poisonous friend.
Your Life Version:
You’ve got that one friend who’s so supportive… until you need them. They gas you up on the group chat but ghost your bad days. They smile when you win unless your win outshines theirs. One day, they’re sugar. The next, they’re ice cold. You never know which version you’ll get. And honestly? That’s exhausting.
The Emotional Black Hole
Vibe: Everything is awful, all the time- even reality TV
Think of the OG of Downers- Debbie Downer from SNL. You could be talking about winning the lottery, and she’ll respond with, “Yeah, but most lottery winners end up depressed.”
Your real life version:
You land a dream client. They say, “Must be nice. I haven’t had a win in months.” You suggest a Goa weekend, and they reply, “I get heatstroke easily. Also, dengue season.” Every conversation is a weather report of doom, and somehow, you’re expected to bring the sunshine. You show up for them, but when you’re in a spiral? Radio silence or worse, “That’s nothing, let me tell you what I’m dealing with.” Spoiler alert: It’s always worse. And always about them.
The kicker: They don’t actually want help. They want a witness. Preferably one who doesn’t interrupt their performance of perpetual suffering.
Yes, everyone’s allowed to vent. But if your friend treats your joy as a personal attack, or needs the room dimmed so they can shine in despair then congrats, you’re not in a friendship. You’re in emotional hostage negotiations.
The Pretty but Pointless Placeholder
Shoshanna from Girls is the type who shows up in a Chanel necklace and emotional confusion. She’s sweet. She’s spirited. She once got her hand stuck in a pretzel bag. And she brings nothing to the table but memes, gossip, and a baffling enthusiasm for men named Chad.
She’s not a villain. She’s just… not helpful. While her friends spiral through breakups, career crises, and identity meltdowns, Shosh’s biggest contribution is usually a squeal, a selfie, or a sidebar about Japanese shampoo.
Your real-life version:
You try to explain something nuanced: global politics, emotional burnout, cultural revolutions and they hit you with, “Ugh, adulting is hard” and a blank stare. You’re desperate for feedback on a life decision, and they reply, “That’s crazy!” then change the topic to whatever they are interested in (spoiler- I had a friend like this and their only topic was AI, but not even in an informative way. Just in a way that anyone already knows.)
This friend never asks follow-up questions. Never challenges you. Never teaches you anything. And yet, they’re always there. Like a well-dressed houseplant with unlimited mobile data.
And let’s be real: if every conversation with them feels like a solo podcast episode: you’re the host, the guest, and the editor, it might be time to unsubscribe.
Because vibes are great. But if your support system is made up of sparkles and air, you’re essentially building an emotional IKEA shelf with no screws.
And finally…
The Mirror with a Motive AKA The Copycat Chameleon
You know the type. She’s (or he- I had a male version of this in my life recently) sweet, supportive, and obsessed with your style. Then she starts dressing like you. Talking like you. Dating versions of your exes. And suddenly, your personality isn’t yours anymore: it’s open-source.
In All About Eve, our titular Eve starts as a humble fangirl. She worships Margo Channing, Broadway’s reigning queen, with wide eyes and polite admiration. But soon, Eve’s playing understudy, not just on stage, but in life. She mimics Margo’s voice, poise, wardrobe, vibe. And before you know it, she’s rewriting the script with herself in the starring role.
It’s not flattery. It’s identity theft with a blow-dry.
Your Life Version:
A certain unnamed person, who once mirrored my movie taste, my Spotify playlists, even my hobbies-until his dating profile read like a ChatGPT-generated version of me… if I were an emotionally stunted man in bad clothes. Copying isn’t connection. It’s curation with none of the soul.
Here’s the thing:
We all pick up bits of the people we love. That’s natural. But when someone morphs into a low-res screenshot of your identity and acts like it’s their original content? It’s not admiration. It’s erasure.
This kind of toxic friendship leaves you constantly second-guessing:
“Was that my joke?”
“Did I recommend that artist or did they?”
You’re not being petty. You’re being self-aware.
A healthy friendship inspires. A toxic one imitates until you forget who’s who. If you feel like you’re slowly being content farmed by someone close to you, it may be time to archive the friendship.
Why These Hidden Signs Matter
According to psychologists, friendships that feel unbalanced: they drain energy, erode trust and self-esteem are toxic at the core. This isn’t just emotional drama, it’s a slow leak hurting your mental wellbeing. Ignoring it won’t make the bubbles go away.
How to Get Out of a Toxic Friendship (Without Losing Your Cool)
- Name the pattern. “Hey, I noticed you changed your version of our night out.”
- Set micro-boundaries. “I need time to reply; I’ll ping you tomorrow.”
- Test the reaction. If they argue, gaslight, or turn it around, that’s the test saying, “time to step back.”
- Detach slowly. You don’t owe explanations. You owe your peace.
- Lean on real friends. Reconnect with people who celebrate you publicly and privately.
True Friendship Looks Like This
Good friendships feel like home. Confidence-boosting. Forgiving. Laughter-packed and drama-light. These are friendships where success is a group high-five-never a source of passive aggression.
Choose companions who let you shine.
Want to watch a show with great friendships – click here. Or, if you’d rather, keep the drama but live it vicariously, check out a game you can try here.
This blog post is part of ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’
hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla
in collaboration with Ratna Prabha
What a thought-provoking piece! You’ve laid out the difference between real friendship and toxic dynamics so clearly—it really got me thinking. The way you describe boundary-crossing, jealousy, and draining energy feels like a wake-up call wrapped in kindness. I especially appreciated how you emphasized empathy and mutual support as the backbone of healthy relationships. Thanks for offering such clarity and encouragement—I’ll definitely be reflecting on which friendships to nurture and which to gently step away from.
Thanks for reading, hopefully this blog doesn’t come in handy someday!
A close friend of mine went through a really tough time because of a toxic friendship. She ended up feeling depressed and lost, and it was hard to watch her struggle. But now, after some time, she’s come out of that dark place, and it feels like she’s finally being her true self again. We’ve grown closer, and I’m so happy to see her smile and be genuine. It’s amazing how much healing can happen when you let go of the wrong people and surround yourself with real friends.
Yes it’s one of those unspoken of truths we don’t address often enough. I’m glad she’s doing better!
In real life, do we have friends like Emily or Camille? I am glad our Indian culture has not degraded so much. Yes, there may be toxic friends, but not those who cheat with your best friend or boyfriend.
I don’t think i meant it so simplistically. There are friends who can manipulate or gaslight a person, i think that’s universal.
I think we all had to deal with toxic people in our lives at some point of time. People who seem they are a good friend but thrive on taking you down behind your back , to feel superior or use you but vanish when you need them.
The part where you highlight some remedies like name the pattern of behaviour and set micro boundaries are really helpful in dealing with such relationships.
Thanks, yes unfortunately everyone has to deal with toxicity at some point in their lives
Such an eye-opening post! How to deal with toxic friendships is important because sometimes we fail to identify a toxic friend. Such good examples taken from shows, I would have never realized their depth. And your citing of real life scenarios makes it easy to understand and so relatable!
Thanks so much
Irrespective of our age, we all have to deal with people like these. And there is something that we have to avoid to our well-being.
Yes, that’s true
What a powerful and validating piece! Your list of toxic traits, like one-sided communication and emotional manipulation, helped me reflect on past friendships. I admire how you offer empathy and practical wisdom to navigate these tricky dynamics. Grateful for this eye-opening perspective.
I’m glad this was of help!
This is quite evocative. While reading this I was recalling similar patterns done by me in friendship I felt little sad but then I realized I always acknowledge and apologize when I feel my behavior was toxic.
It’s good to self reflect and i’m glad this helped
Oh, how I loved the examples you’ve used here. I actually am of the opinion that Emily is the problem in that Camile-Emily friendship. We have seen so many Dwights at workplace, right? And Mean Girls is always a classic example for toxic friendships. Thanks for pointing these out because we need awareness for self-protection and self-care against such fake people for sure
Thanks so much
Whether it’s friendship or any relationship, manipulation is a complete no-no. It is better to be without friends or relatives than to be in toxic people around.
I completely agree
Absolutely love how you’ve explained Toxic friendships in such a detailed manner! It’s high time more awareness is created about them, and your excellent post does that. The fact that you provided some very relevant examples will help readers understand how to identify toxic friendships better.
Thank you. I agree many people don’t realize the patterns of toxicity until it’s too late
this is so well thought out and love the sitcom examples. Yes, I’ve had a huge chunk of these fair weather friends and emotional demises. Now, I look for nothing, just a few smiles and byes.
Thanks so much for reading. The best is to not have too many expectations as you have said
I had a very very toxic friendship with a girl during my MBA days and you will not believe my heart used to literally say Oh God give me a break and help me get rid of this girl. That were some-2 or 3 years of trauma I had… she was so much agressive and possessive at the same time that having relationship with boyfriend and now my husband was not at all acceptable to her. She made every possible effort to break it and weird part was that she was the one who make me introduced to my husband. She felt like she is losing rights on me because of him… I was in a pathetic state that period. Later my job and shift to Delhi protected me and saved me from this toxic friendship. Your post remind me of that.
Sorry to hear this, it’s good that you no longer are in contact with her. More power to you!
This was such an insightful and relatable read! It really made me reflect on a few old friendships and realize why they felt so heavy. Thank you for putting this out there!
Thanks for reading!
I have heard of toxic relationship but never put it in the perspective of friendship. This is such an eye-opener for so many of your readers and the way you used the analogy of popular series added much depth to the piece .
Every relationship can turn toxic or bitter if we aren’t careful, all of them take work. I’m glad you enjoyed reading this 🙂
Toxic friendships can eat you up from within. It’s good to be aware about them, I know, it can be hard though. You have written about toxic friendships really well.
Thanks for reading 🙂
Wow! Just wow! I really loved this post of yours <3 You gave each scenario a relatable scene from a sitcom and it suddenly makes so much sense. So, without being preachy or just a boring "what to do, or here are some tips" article, you made this so interesting and that's the beauty of it <3
Haha thank you! Yes I love relating life truths to pop culture-it’s a habit of mine
Finding a good friend who is genuinely happy for you is difficult. I liked the way you compared the shows with real-life instances. Sometimes we feel the person is just extra caring but it is actually toxic.
That’s true, that’s why we should treasure our genuine friends
Very interesting way of bringing out elements of toxic relationships by drawing parallels with well known TV shows!
Thanks!
Brilliantly written—sharp, witty, and incredibly relatable! Loved how you wove pop culture into real-life red flags. It’s insightful without being preachy. More people need to read this—pure gold
Thanks so much 🙂
I loved how you brought out instances of toxic friendships from shows we’ve all watched and then gave a live example to drive home how toxic friendships can be. Very detailed, and I must say you’ve researched them all so well.
Thanks so much!
This is quite a slippery slope. we invest years and emotions and energy and what not on friendships only to realize that those friends have been snakes. Happened so many times with me.
I’m sorry to hear that *hugs*
I’ve seen a couple of them myself but I loved how you’ve put them here with references
Thank you!
What a fabulous job you did differentiating the real and toxic. The moment you talked about Emily I knew I’m going to enjoy reading this blog. You covered it all so perfectly!
Haha thank you! Yes I love relating life truths to pop culture-it’s a habit of mine
Well, toxic friends are always mean and never offer full support. Initially, if we learn this truth at early age and cut them from life, we will be happy sooner.
Your insights struck a chord with me. Reflecting on my own friendships, I realized I’d tolerated manipulative behavior masked as care. Thank you for empowering me to redefine boundaries and honour genuine connections.
Such interesting examples you’ve used… Makes me want to re-watch some of these!
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